Caring for Kids is a monthly article series by early childhood education experts in U-M’s Child and Family Care and Children’s Centers.
You’ve likely experienced that heart-tugging moment: you’re ready to head out the door or drop your child off at childcare, and suddenly, they are clinging to your leg as if their world is ending. While those tears can make you feel guilty or stressed, they are actually a powerful indicator of your child’s healthy development.
As Christine Snyder, Director of Child and Family Care, reassures, “Stranger and separation anxiety can be really stressful, but it’s a good sign that your child is distinguishing between familiar and unfamiliar people, as well as having a strong preference for the people they trust and love.”
When your child cries during a transition, they aren't trying to be difficult; they are expressing a deep bond with you. However, you can help them navigate these big feelings with a few intentional strategies.
Strategies for a Smoother Transition
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Project calm and warmth: Your child takes their emotional cues from you. If you are anxious about leaving, they will be too. Christine says, “When you are calm and warm to a person who is unfamiliar to your child, they start to learn that if you trust that person, they can too.”
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Create a "goodbye ritual": Whether it’s a special handshake, a "pocket kiss," or a specific phrase you say every time, rituals provide a sense of predictability and safety.
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Keep it brief: Once you’ve said your goodbye, it’s usually best to make a clean exit. Lingering can often extend the distress for both of you.
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Start small: For younger children, practice short separations at home, like stepping into another room for a few minutes, to help them learn that you always come back.
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Be honest: Let your child know you will be leaving. While it may be tempting to slip out when they aren’t looking, that can reduce their trust in the separation/reunion cycle and increase their anxiety or constant worry that you’ll disappear without notice.
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Name feelings: For you and your child, acknowledging the feelings of anxiety, sadness, and worry can help validate and ease the intensity of what you are both feeling. “I know you’re sad to be away from each other. I am too, and I get very excited to see you again at the end of the day. I can’t wait to snuggle you!”
It’s Not Just for Toddlers
While we often associate these tears with preschoolers, separation anxiety can resurface in older children and even teens during times of significant change, like starting a new school or moving. For older kids, reassurance looks like open communication. Acknowledge their nerves and help them develop their own "mechanisms for ensuring familiarity," such as finding a peer buddy or a trusted teacher to check in with.
Remember, this is a phase. With your reassurance and a consistent routine, your child will eventually develop the confidence to explore the world, knowing that your "hello" is always waiting at the end of the day.
More Resources to Reduce Anxiety
Young Children and Separation Anxiety:
Young Children and Stranger Anxiety:
Separation Anxiety in Older Children:
Reminder: Don't Forget Your Winter Backup Plan!
Unexpected school closures due to snowy, icy, or bad winter weather are a yearly tradition here in Michigan. Instead of scrambling when the flurries start, let's get a warm, comforting plan in place now. Because when you have the right plan, whether it's a trusted neighborhood friend, flexible family members, or a backup care service, everything else falls into place. View the full list of child care resources recommended by the University of Michigan.
Low-cost Backup Care Supported by U-M
U-M partners with Bright Horizons to provide 15 days of university-subsidized backup care annually across the U.S. Bright Horizons also offers resources to help you care for those who matter most while you fulfill your commitments to U-M.
This service is available to active, benefits-eligible faculty and staff, as well as registered and enrolled U-M students (current term). Learn more and register for backup care, so you’re prepared the next time it snows!
