Caring for Kids is a monthly article series by early childhood education experts in Child and Family Care and Children’s Centers.

Whether it's a small fib or a more significant deception, it's common for children and teens to lie at some point. The first step in encouraging positive and honest behavior is understanding why.

“Very young children are learning to distinguish between fantasy and reality. This is an important developmental process during which children might experiment by saying things they wish were true or things they know aren’t true to gauge how people around them might respond,” says Christine Snyder, Director of Child and Family Care. “We can best support developing children by authentically engaging in pretend play but also clarifying when something is imaginary and just for fun versus something untruthful that could cause harm.”

Once children are older, they may have deeper reasons for lying. 

Why Do Kids Lie?

• Fear of Consequences: Many children and teens lie to avoid punishment or negative consequences. They might fear disappointing their parents or getting into trouble.
• Seeking Attention: Sometimes - children lie to gain attention or appear more impressive to their peers. They may fabricate stories to feel more included or admired.
• Testing Boundaries: Teens, in particular, might lie to test limits and assert their independence. This can be a way for them to explore their own identity and gain autonomy.
• Protecting Privacy: Children may lie to protect their privacy as they age, especially if they feel their personal space or thoughts are being invaded.

How to Encourage Honesty

1. Foster a Supportive Atmosphere:  Practice open and compassionate communication to create a supportive environment where your child feels safe sharing the truth without fear of harsh judgment. Listen actively and respond calmly, even when the truth is tough to hear.
2. Instill Honesty as a Core Family Value: Define and uphold clear principles to make it clear that honesty is essential in your family and that lying is unacceptable. Explain the importance of truthfulness and how dishonesty can damage relationships and trust.
3. Utilize Positive Reinforcement and Praise Honest Behavior: When your child tells the truth, especially in challenging situations, praise their honesty. This reinforces the value of truthfulness and encourages them to continue being open - even when it is difficult.
4. Demonstrate Integrity and Set an Example: You set the standard for behavior in your home. Show that honesty is important to you by admitting your own mistakes and explaining how you handle difficult situations honestly. Though it may seem innocent, avoid “little white lies” (for example, “You can have another cookie but don’t tell your Mom”). These types of lies unintentionally model for children how untruthful behavior can get something they want. 
5. Understand the Underlying Issues: If you notice frequent lying, try to understand why your child is doing it. Are they feeling stressed, scared, or overwhelmed? Address these underlying issues to help reduce the tendency to lie.

With patience and understanding, you can foster a culture of honesty. By creating a supportive atmosphere, defining clear values, and modeling integrity, you can help your child develop trustworthy and honest behavior.

Suggested Resources to Learn More

Young Children

• Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It
• Lying and Children 
• Speaking of Psychology: The truth about why kids lie, with Victoria Talwar, PhD
• When Young Children Lie | ZERO TO THREE

Teens

• 5 Powerful Ways to Connect with a Teen Who Lies 
• What Parents Should Do When Their Teenager Lies to Them | Evolve
• When Teens Lie - Dealing with Lying Teenagers | Empowering Parents