Talking About Difficult Issues
with Aging Loved Ones
Do you have concerns about an aging loved one? Are you wondering if your loved ones could use some extra help or perhaps should not be living alone?
Talking about aging issues is not easy. But even more difficult is not addressing your concerns and waiting for a crisis to erupt. The following suggestions may be helpful for starting the conversation:
- Begin the conversation on a positive note. For example, “We want to discuss this with you because we care about you. It will help us know your wishes if the time should come where you are not able to make some major decisions for yourself.” That sends a strong message that your relative still has some degree of control, and will help to overcome initial resistance.
- Hold a family meeting with your siblings, other family members, neighbors, doctors (or head nurse in the doctor’s office), and religious leader (pastor, rabbi, or imam). Meet at a neutral place (a restaurant, for example) or hold a teleconference if everyone is dispersed. You may wish to have a neutral party facilitate. The U-M Work/Life Resource Center (WLRC) can provide you with information about professionals all over the country who can help with this.
Overcoming resistance from a loved one is difficult at best. Here are some more suggestions to help the conversation go as smoothly as possible:
- Check your “I know what’s best for you” attitude at the door. Instead, frame the conversation in ways that make your loved ones feel they are full partners in the decision-making, and that you are discussing these issues because you really care about their health and safety.
- Research the available options ahead of time and then review them together. They will be more likely to be receptive if there are choices offered. For example, when a person is not safe living alone, the first choice usually is not a nursing home. There are a variety of options, including having someone come in to the home 2 or 3 times a week, so your loved ones might not have to move. Again, WLRC can help you with exploring the options.
- Sometimes relatives will accept help if they know it will reduce family burdens or worries. Saying “it will make me feel good to help you,” may work.
- If you have concerns about physical, emotional, or cognitive functioning, you (or in some cases, the primary care physician) can arrange for a geriatric assessment in the home. Once you have a clear diagnosis of the problem(s), you will be better equipped to follow up, and hopefully overcome the resistance because “the doctor ordered it.”
- Be patient. Change will not come overnight. It may take several different attempts before you hit the right chord, but do not give up. Working with other people your loved one respects may carry more weight than your advice.
Excerpted by Work/Life Resource Center from NCOA newsletter, Vol. 10, No.4, 2003.
