managing conflict
Disagreement? How disagreeable!
Disagreement is as natural to the human being as breathing, and it’s not a sign of personality problems. You have one set of experiences, others have their own. Sometimes your needs will conflict with the needs of others. Conflict provides a great opportunity to find out something you didn't know before, namely, the other person's point of view.
Conflict management experts agree that there is one easy, always available and inexpensive tool at your disposal to resolve a disagreement. It is simply listening. The problem is that when you're irritated with someone, that's when you least want to listen.
You can make listening work for you, even when it’s hard to do. Try these steps to help you manage—and hopefully, resolve—the inevitable conflicts in your life.
- Be calm.
- When you are upset, there are physical, chemical changes in your body affecting your feelings, your body language, and even your thinking. At the moment, you are not a good problem solver.
- Counting to ten, deep breathing, taking a fast walk around the building (or even running out to the parking lot for a primal scream!)—these actions can all return the body to its normal rational state.
- Give yourself time to consider whether and how to approach the other person. Ask yourself these questions:
- What set me off? What am I really upset about?
- What's the problem that needs resolving between me and this person?
- Is this really important to address, or is it too petty to matter? (Let's face it—we all have our petty moments.)
- Am I jumping to conclusions about the other person's motives?
- Let the other person know you're troubled—but do it gently. You've been thinking seriously about the problem, but you may be taking the other person by surprise.
- Find a quiet, private way to say, "I'm upset about X, and I'd like to find a time we can talk about it." You are extending an invitation, not a challenge. It should be collegial at least—if not downright friendly.
- Your invitation is most personal and inviting when it is given face to face. NEVER do this over e-mail!! Why is this critical? E-mail by its nature feels abrupt and demanding. When the subject is a disagreement, it can even seem hostile. It almost always generates a return e-mail, equally unfriendly, and now the problem is escalating out of control.
- Schedule private time to talk. This should be in a place away from colleagues and co-workers, out of anyone's hearing, and when you both have enough time to stay with it.
- Invite the other person's description of what happened, first.
- The person initiating a problem-solving conversation needs to take responsibility for its effectiveness.
- A person is much more likely to listen to you after they feel you have really heard them.
- Even with your invitation, the other person may feel awkward or resentful. Your request to hear their story must be genuine, and may need repeating.
- Example: "We probably don't even see this situation the same way. Would you tell me what you remember about what happened, what seemed to go wrong, from your point of view?"
- Stay with it until you get it.
- Your purpose is to see the situation through the other person's eyes, and to learn anything you may not have known about the situation.
- Encourage the person to continue. Nodding is great.
- Stifle any body language that signals disagreement (rolling eyes, shaking head, snorting). o If it’s not clear what they mean, ask.
- Summarize what they told you, so they can confirm you got it right.
- Don't argue with their story! This isn't a debate. What you need to know is: what was going on in that person's mind.
- it’s not about correcting their thinking, it’s only about learning their view of the situation.
- You may hear things that upset you or that you believe are dead wrong. It is certainly a test of strength to listen without responding, and that's just what you need to do.
- Ask if they're willing to hear your side of what happened.
- Once the other person agrees that you understood them, ask, "Would you be willing to listen to how I experienced it/what I thought?" Most people will say "sure," even if they say it grudgingly. And once they have said that, they usually feel committed to listening. Try it!
- Once the other person agrees that you understood them, ask, "Would you be willing to listen to how I experienced it/what I thought?" Most people will say "sure," even if they say it grudgingly. And once they have said that, they usually feel committed to listening. Try it!
- Describe exactly what you saw, thought, understood, or felt.
- Make your points in ways that tell your story without blaming the other person.
- Examples: "It seemed to me you were angry." (Not "You were angry.") "I felt like I couldn't count on you." (Not: "I realized you weren't dependable.") "I was too uncomfortable to say anything." (Not: "It was impossible to deal with you.")
- Take time to mull it over together.
- Did you each "get" what the other meant?
- Is there a different picture of the situation emerging?
- Are there further questions you have raised for each other?
- What do you now see as the problem that needs solving?
- Is this an occasion to "agree to disagree?" Are you willing to live peaceably with that?
- What's the resolution? Work it out together.
- What suggestions might work well for both of you?
- What might you be willing to change?
- What do you still want the other person to change?
- Is there something you could try out for a week or too, and then check to see if it’s working?
Congratulations! You've done it! The problem may have just evaporated, or maybe you'll have to try out your solution to know it works. Patience is helpful.
And one final point:
- Find a way to say thanks to the other person for working this through with you. It wasn't easy for them, either.
Adapted from an article by Sally Johnson, Mediation Services
